Golden Globes 2012 Live Blog: Snoozefest Central for the Most Part

Photo: Golden Globes.

Coming to you live from the Beverly Hills Hilton in Los Angeles it's the 69th Annual Golden Globes, brought to you by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. Hosted by the venerable Ricky Gervais, you'd think we were in for a night of rollicking debauchery.

You'd be wrong.

Not up to speed on who's going to win and who's going to BS tell us all "it was an honor to be nominated"? Check out the full list of nominees.

5 p.m. - We've only just begun and the Golden Globes are already running 20 minutes late!

5:03 p.m. - Riiiiicky, you're playing it safe...

5:07 p.m. - Ricky: "The Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton: a bit louder, trashier, drunker, and more easily bought."

I'm going to make you laugh twice, TWICE
tonight, people! Photo: Golden Globes.

5:09 p.m. - I haven't seen Hugo yet, but OHMYGOD they just ran the train off Track 9 3/4!

5:14 p.m. - "As the cancer victim who copes with humor..." god they stole my concept for a series! And she wins! That's MY GLOBE you thief!

5:17 p.m. - Wait a minute...I call BS. 16 minutes in and no 69 joke from Gervais? He's a go for beaver but not for this?

5:25 p.m. - Cue Heather losing her shit in 3, 2, 1...Winslet wins!

5:27 p.m. - Kate's win is monumental for girls everywhere who like to actually eat food.

5:31 p.m. - Something's off about the Globes tonight...can't put my finger on it. Or in it. Yet.

5:33 p.m. - Who's the Hobbit next to Jeremy Irons? The obligatory HFPA moment?

5:36 p.m. - Oo! They're running late - they've cut the nom packages.

5:38 p.m. - I can hear the producers: "Gervais broke all our rules. We've disavowed him. The Globes are now running on Ghost Protocol. And by that we mean they're not allowed to be funny." If I wanted serious, I'd watch the Oscars. Or worse, the SAG Awards.

5:45 p.m. - Kelly Clarkson is allowed to endorse The Voice? Maybe Simon doesn't care because he's moved on from Idol, too.

5:50 p.m. - I dunno about you, but I'd MUCH rather hear Mary J. than Madge give an acceptance speech.

Cheers, but you're not English Madge.
Photo: Golden Globes.

5:51 p.m. - Madge: "I'm not French, I have no excuse." You're not English either, bitch.

5:53 p.m. - I started a drinking game for every time Madonna said, "My film" - I'm now smashed.

5:58 p.m. - Whoah...a squirrel crapped all over Debra Messing's eyes! There's a big diff between "smokey" and "poopy" girl.

5:59 p.m. - Why is Blair Underwood speaking with a Cockney accent?

6:03 p.m. - I ♥ you Michelle Williams. And I forgot about Heath until you mentioned your daughter. :(

6:04 p.m. - After napping all day, my dog needs to go out NOW?! Hopefully I won't miss anything good.

6:21 p.m. - Thanks to the power of AT&T Uverse and the ability to pause live TV, I can say with certainty I did not miss anything good.

6:22 p.m. - Oh Sorkin, where art thou? We need some pep up in this ish.

6:26 p.m. - Best part about living in California? When this is over I still get to watch Once Upon a Time at its normal time.

6:29 p.m. - *confused* Michelle Pfeiffer's hair on Jessica Lange's body? And younger Michelle's face...on Michelle Pfeiffer's face?

Madonna IS English, Mr. Moves Like
Jagger Man! Photo: Golden Globes.

6:32 p.m. - Ricky trotting behind Madonna was the funniest thing to happen so far. #sad

6:33 p.m. - Someone asks me if Madonna is on quaaludes. My response: "If they make you speak in a faux British accent and enlarge your narcissistic gland, then yes."

6:34 p.m. - I bet Angelina's PISSED she didn't win - she was so excited to go fist pump Madonna and be all, "Exotic adoptions, woot!"

6:36 p.m. - Dustin Hoffman: "My generation, Madeline Stowe." I bet Maddy's THRILLED with that comment.

6:43 p.m. - Seriously excited for "Smash" between Anjelica Houston and Debra Messing. Thank god they changed the VO from "and introducing" Megan Hilty to "Broadway sensation" Megan Hilty. You Wicked fans will recognize her as a certain girl who comes and goes via bubble. :)

6:45 p.m. - I seriously so want a Tina Fey / Jane Lynch buddy comedy film - GO!

6:46 p.m. - Matt LeBlanc got a nom for JOEY?! Must've been a slow lead actor year...

6:58 p.m. - Oh, thank God, SOMEONE'S drinking! WTG, Dame Helen.

7:00 p.m. - Man, I loved Morgan Freeman as Luke Skywalker's father.

How YOU doin' little shiny dude?
Photo: Golden Globes.

7:03 p.m. - I effing love Shawshank Redemption. Only thing that would've been better? Morgan Freeman doing his own VO for the tribute package.

7:05 p.m. - OMG...he's reading off the prompter. Really!?

7:17 p.m. - Why is everyone so...orange tonight? Is there something in the air in LA? Whatever it is, please don't travel to San Diego.

7:19 p.m. - Okay, what is Sofia Vergara REALLY saying? :)

7:21 p.m. - Can the cast of Modern Family host awards shows going forward? Please?

7:25 p.m. - So War Horse is Black Beauty meets Titanic? ("I'll never let go, Horse.")

And the above comment kicked off what would end up being, by far, the funniest part of the evening... and it happened outside the hallowed halls of the Beverly Hills Hilton. Seriously, tears in my eyes funny, people.

Horse.

Tears in my eyes, people, tears in my eyes.

7:37 p.m. - In the most shocking upset of the night, Meryl Streep wins! Way to break free of that Susan Lucci curse, girl.

7:45 p.m. - Nothing much else is happening.

7:52 p.m. - Still nothing.

8:00 p.m. - Final verdict? Sober people = boring show.

Horse.